Season of Refining

It's been one of those weeks where I have deliberately chosen not be with Jesus. I do this sometimes, and when I do I know it's because I feel an internal stirring. And when Jesus is stirring inside of me, urging me to listen, sometimes it's too hard to turn my ear to Him. I build up an idea that something terrible might emerge from "the talk"-- and that's why I chose to run from Him for a couple days.

But He always pulls me back.
It's a bit scary at first but then I finally sit down and ask, "alright, Jesus, what is it?"

I am always so surprised with how tenderly he treats me in my return. He does not scold me for not coming quicker, and he does not tell me how awful I am for running away.

Jesus treats me with tenderness.

So here I am, trying to be open, and what He tells me is not exactly happy and rosy. And a lot of times it's not easy because He is making us in the image of Christ. But the words are never harsh or cruel-- we are still His children.

What in the world did Jesus finally open my eyes to?
That I think I know better than other people. I like to believe that I have the best idea of what morality, kindness, my future, etc. all look like. If I believe that about myself, not only does that make me judgmental towards other people but it also puts me as my own savior.... Yikes.

That is not a place I want to be... but here I am.
And when I finally see the little mess I've created, I know that I need Jesus.

I keep remembering the image of being refined (talked about in Daniel and 1 Peter). The process of refining gold is painful-- it is actually placed in the fire. But once it comes out of the fire, and is even more beautiful, it is proved to be gold. All these messes in our life, whether they are self-created or inflicted upon us, are refining us. That's what is happening in our faith: our trails and suffering are like the fire, and our faith is being proved genuine. All to display the glory of God.

"I know how great this makes your feel, 

and even though you have put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. 

Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; 

genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. 

When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory."

{1 Peter 1:6-7, The Message}

I'm thankful for the promise that trails are not in vain. Jesus is refining us for something much bigger (and more wonderful) than earthly victory. 

Snapshots of October

weddings with {the absolute best} summer staff

formal with my {one-of-a-kind} roommates 

formal with my {favorite} date 

trips to the sunflower fields with {the dearest} friends 

And cheers to turning 21 {can't even believe it}

Truthful Words

"Most of us figure out by a certain age-- some of us later than others-- that life unspools in cycles, some lovely, some painful, but in no predictable order. So you could have lovely, painful, and painful again, which I think we all agree is not at all fair. You don't have to like it, and you are always welcome to file a brief with the Complaints Department. But if you've been around for a while, you know that much of the time, if you are patient and are paying attention, you will see that God will restore what the locusts have taken away."

{Help, Thanks, Wow by Anne Lamott}

"I will restore to you the years the swarming locust have eaten..."

{Joel 2:25 ESV}

Unforced Rhythms of Grace

So what is this blog really all about?

To be completely honest, I do not have a clue.

I have always had an itch to start a blog-- maybe it's because I like to write or (most likely) because I like to think and think. I guess this blog is a thinking ground. A place to ponder about what the Lord is doing (and why in the world He is not doing exactly what I want).

That's the thing, He really is not following my set of ideas. Some days I'm upset by that because life can be a mess. One big wreck-- and there is really no point to sugar coat that. If it was not that way, we would not need Jesus.

So the deal is being a mess really allows God to work. You have to smash the pot in order for His light to shine through. For me that's learning the "unforced rhythms of grace". In my life that means not trying to make everything better. It is about letting go, which is an extremely hard task. I particularly like being control of my life and value how other people see me.

Unforced rhythms of grace mean being honest about your life-- it's not so lovely when you take a closer look. Mine is filled with doctor's appointments, dealing with a chronic illness, having divorced parents, and all the many tasks that come with being a college student.

Are you bummed out?
Yeah me too...
But then something truly amazing happens.

God does not leave you in that muck. He redeems and restores you and your situations in amazing ways. I'm not trying to smack a Jesus band-aid on really nasty situations because it is not an easy process. And a lot of times, you move on from something hard and then another crazy thing comes along. It makes you want to throw your hands in the air, and give up.

And maybe that is what we're suppose to do...
Throw our hands in the air, and give up.
If we stop working so hard to fix our mess, then Jesus can come in and transform it.

I kind of feel like I'm preaching to the vast blog world... and I'm not trying to do that. I'm currently in messy situations, and I have no idea how the Lord will change that. But I am waiting and trying to give myself grace in the midst of this season. That's really why I am writing. I am hoping to gain a better understanding of what in the world Jesus is doing.